Mr. Polise's room is inherently perfect. So is lying across his desk without feeling like any other object on it.

It stuns me when I'm told the truth...

I want to kiss him so badly. It hurts even more because I think he just might let me. I want to know what to say about all of this. How do you respond to this day? To this life?

Am I really a slut? After all the times I've been called an insufferable prude... it's strange to be called a slut. The one who stands in the glass house definitely shouldn't be throwing stones. You'll knock down both of our houses.

What a lovely picture he gave me... i'll explain it elsewhere.

Clover is a good name for me. I like it. I've never had a nickname before.

i'll just try to accept that she's only heard one side of the story... and she doesn't know that he hurts me too.

i don't need allies, really... no.. not really. i suppose i could insert some cruel words here but i won't.

i'm not trying to make anyone feel guilty. i'm trying to make myself feel less guilty.

i'm going to take a shower. one way or another i'll feel better when i come out.

So.. Mrs. Berselli said something honest;

"Casey, look, the reason you're not getting the action you were looking for is because you're not available. Zack says people are waiting, and that's not true. They're confused. He was hanging all over you all weekend. You seldom stopped touching him."

ugh. i knew there was a reason i was demanding personal space.

lines have to be drawn... they just do.

I'm tempted to make some lines on myself but feel obligated not to. This is exactly what polise warned me against.. doing it for other people. Do I want to be better? No... not really. i think. Sometimes I do. I'm just sick of being told that I'm not trying hard enough by people who have no right to intervene.

It's my life and you're not that good of a friend. Who or what I do with my body is of no concern of yours. If I ask for an opinion feel free to give it... otherwise... keep your mouth shut or keep away from me.

How many times do I have to walk away to show the pattern of what's bothering me? He thinks I'm joking. I seldom joke.

Aaaahhh... nothing like coming home and A) being screamed at by your father and B) Being insulted by your ex. My week is obviously going to go well.

Don't you hate it when people think they're better than you when they have no real reason to? I don't pretend to be the greatest in the world, but he has no right to decide he's greater than me... a brief comparison of records would support this conclusion.

3rd place at state and still they both feel the need to insult me... and not only them, but Berselli could have given a fuck less that I broke. I hate my team so much. I remember when they used to be proud of me. Good times.... good times.

I think I might go take some anger out on either myself or my journal.

I'll be changing journals so people stop reading this. I open my thoughts to a group of people.. and that group has opened my thoughts to other groups. I don't want to password this site or anything. There are just certain people who use my thoughts as a way to feel better about themselves. That's a direct quote btw. If you're interested in my thoughts, message me.

SN: aureus puera

It means lovely girl and I like to think I am one... I am not a scapegoat, nor am i a "worst case scenario" example. I am a human being with feelings and beliefs. I am a person and would appreciate being treated as one. So... fuck you world :-D my journal should be changing soon enough. this page will have all entries removed. if it's none of your business, it's none of your business.

I've been pretty careful not to say anything hurtful, or to bring up a bad past... and i certainly didn't lie about us... Is it so strange for me to expect the same decency

him: "if you have something to say to me, say it. don't write it in your journal."

i told you there were double standards.

i don't really care tho. in 15 minutes i am going to spend about half an hour with people i enjoy... in order to tide me over for what's bound to be a very long and painful weekend.

sometimes i just want him to kiss me... and then i know how much more difficult that would make things so i say nevermind. i don't want him to be in trouble.

I have found the place
Where words drip with redundancy
Why should I speak
When one deep look
Pours before them my soul?
This is the place of sentiments
Not snetences
The world revealed in one touch
Eternity given in a brief moment,
In the lasing silence;
Complacent and complete.
This is the place where I need not explain
i am already understood.
This is the place where trust does imply
That we shall do what is right
Here, I am caught if I may fall
This is the place I've always dreamt to find
In the last spot I might think to look
The thing I had been searching for
Finally found me
This is the place where fears are shared
Where scars are bared
Wjere tears are sjed
Amd each day more is known.
This is the place where I selently speak
And they wordlessly understand;
It's not what I say
But who I am.

It's like there's this unspoken agreement between us. We both know what this time is leading up to.. and we're just waiting until it's okay for us to say it.

Manipulation is powerful
When the target will appease
They respond so naturally
To what I say, what I do
Today you say you love me
Because of who I pretend to be
Am I really
Everything you need?
Tomorrow you'll lokk at me with cruel distaste
You can but react
To the actions that I take
I play the game so perfectly
I never have to leave
I simply become intollerable
And you can but respond
I can make you love me, want me
Hat me, degrade me
And you play along
I can decide what you feel
Perhaps my greatest skill
And yet, with the barriers
So dillegentyly bult
How can one get in?
I do it so well
And yet despise
How no one knows who i am
I do it right;
There is no doubt
And I'm the one that feels the pain
Manipulation
With nothing there to gain.

I am none but recklessness
Make the decisions as I go
Fear not for future effects
The regret is enough alone
I know not what I do
Until after it is done
Timing is nothing
Time is all
Faster!
I want it all to go more quickly
I just want more time to feel.
The one I'll never kiss again?
These marks across my arm?
Those words I can't take back?
Decisions, I'll never know to be wrong
But I'll never believe to be right
This fury I feel within myself
That screams of logicallity
That asks me to think
A voice I can still ignore
Until after the deed is done
Pennance is damage control
When your calm state
Is incautious
"What have I done?" ;
The standard salutation
To myself each morn
My passion for order
Everything in its place
Only as a secondary thought
This other person within my mind
The irrational, uncontrolled
Acts quicker, more strongly
Than the one I care to be
What I've done; my past and future
All decided
Seemingly without me.
There is a passion within myself
Stronger than my rationallity
There is an intensity I know
That is still completely foreign
The person I am
And the person I am being
Never seem to meet
And this is my self-disgust
This proof of who I am
But am not.
Who I act as
But will never be
This is me
And yet I am different
This is the proof
Of my impulse;
A disgrace of my sweet order.

i had a nightmare about breaking up with zack. and then i hurt his feeling because i wouldn't tell him about the nightmare.

How many times do you have to do the same exact thing before you can figure out? God.. that can cross apply to so much of my life.

No ones ever actually asked me to show them my marks.. Then again I've never really cried in front of someone. And.. i've never let someone write on me. I've never left class because i was crying so hard i couldn't read the chapter in front of me. I've never used the "i've had a really really really awful day.. can i please go to mr. polise's room?" excuse before... And no one has ever looked into my eyes and read me like he does...

Mr Aiken is one of the most amazing people i know. I'm sorry to have caused him so much pain.

Jeff... just makes me happy.

Mike... I just love to talk to him.

I have to get a job. bleh.

i miss my elaine. she should call me then we should hang out. 3419036

Three Bodies I Want:
1.Paris Hilton
2. A certain GVHS member with a high level of asscosity.
3. and..just cuz i really have to creep her out.. Annie

Three Voices I want:
1. Sarah McLachlan
2. Fiona Apple
3. Norah Jones

Three Stores I would love to own:
1. Abercrombie
2. Dolce and Gabana
3.Tiffanys

Three Places I want to go:
1. School.. oddly enough
2. Jeff's house.. that's later today.
3. Nationals.

Three Wishes:
1.Go to Nationals
2. Find a way to be happy and have others be happy too...
3. Go to nationals.. in LD...

Three Unforgetable Moments:
1. Losing a tube top at the mall
2. Meeting jason at play tryouts "Like.. omg yah!!"
3. Walking into the forensics room for the first time and being told to do... hi... :-
Three of the most Unforgetable People:
1. Zack
2. Sammi
3. Nikki

Three of the most meaningful possesions:
1.My journal
2. uhh...
3. I'm not really a materialistic person...

Three of my best features:
1.butt =)
2. nikki's butt
3. jason's butt

Three of my favorite books:
1. Fahrenheit 451
2. The portable marx
3. Animal farm (despite the communist bashing)

Three of my favorite names :
1. Molly.. it'sjust cute.
2. Sophie
3. blair.. they're still my favorite names.. :-
Three Favorite Songs:
1. Best I ever had - Vertical Horizon
2. The Scientist- Coldplay
3. Yesterday- The Beatles

Three Favorite Bands:
1. goo goo dolls
2. Coldplay
3. The beatles

Three all time "best" things in the world:
1. afternoons @ lit arts
2. acting
3. music

Three things you wish you didn't do:
1. Hurt people
2.let people walk all over nikki
3. make people cry

Three favorite types of candy:
1. chocolate
2. chocolate
3. chocolate

Three of my worst lies:
1. i choose to ignore this question.. i know them. you know them. we all know them.
2.
3.

Three things you would change if you could:
1. i'd love to be right for him.
2. gore would be in office
3. i wouldn't be quite so pretentious.

Three things i would make longer:
1. my hair
2. touch
3. time i spend with people i love

Three habits you'd like to stop:
1. once again. you know them. i know them. we all know them
2.
3.


i know what nikki means when she said she fell into the wishing well.

I officially hate prozac. How can i feel this happy and this sad at the same time? Brick is the saddest song in the world. I have it on repeat. I want to go to school so bad but i'm so scared. it's dumb. I only have 8 pages left to write now. and i have to try to convince hilary to make 2 posters with like a day's notice.... :-\.... i sometimes wanna die. no, not really.. cuz i'm worth it. i know i had something to say when i sat down but i don't remember it anymore.. it's okay tho.. cuz i have to go to school. i finished my fourth poem. don't read it if you think you shouldn't.

Another late night;
The feeling of cold metal
Pressed against my arm
Another lucky drop of blood
Escapes its disgusting cage;
Escapes from this charade
Another problem left ignored
And another problem made
I hate myself before the blood
I hate myself after the blade
But during I'm too fucked to care
Too caught up in this delirium
During, everything's okay;
Nothing can get wores than this
You can't surprise me
Kniving world!
I've already ruined myself!
Rock bottom and I'm still digging
The blood speaks for itself
EVERYTHING IS GOOD
AND I'M STILL BLEEDING
Laughing while inside I cry
And I'm feeling strangely fine
I feel so fucking fine
I thought that I was worth it
Worthless
I thought that I was alright
Uptight
I was only trying to fix it.
I fucked it up instead.


i'm just not afraid of honesty... and that makes you uncomfortable...

i don't ever wanna feel alone again. nope nope. and i figure once i can feel at home within myself it's all okay.. right? so i started taking prozac a few days ago.. and it doesn't seem to have many of the previous side affects. either my body has changed or the medicine has. but either way... it's just for a try. if i can't write this poem that i'm trying to get out i'll stop taking it. if i don't at least break even at state i'll stop taking it. i think it could be good for me tho... to balance me out. ya know? i need some more balance. balance is good.i don't really feel all that different. maybe it hasn't kicked in. ya never know.

soo.. brendan yesterday, elliot and affan today, jeff tomorrow... but who on tuesday? i'm gonna keep myself busy. not like that.. these are honestly just my friends.. people i feel inclined to spend more time with. :-D i'm not whoring myself out, yay!

i have a 3 days to write 12 pages and a day to write a poem...

someone is writing a book about me. i have a feeling i'll feel awful if i read it. i don't think i will.

Good enough for a new beginning? Methinks so.

So aiken and polise and i have much counseling time to do.

Zack is still one of my best friends. odd.

Jeff is my most loyal friend. What do you know?

I need to figure out what hurts and feels good... i'm pretty sure i know what it is. and it's not what you're all thinking. It's going to be a nice poem I think.

you know what the best thing is i ever learned?

not to argue when i don't care what the result of the argument is and i just want to be told i'm right. i am so. done. arguing.. so zack. you're unblocked. if i feel that your words are unnecesarily harsh... you will be again. some things just aren't worth the trouble.

Damn I feel good. Some people are just fun to be around. Thanks brendan... awesome day. You can always make me laugh.

It's easy to be cruel when you're in pain. I try to keep that in mind.

So silver sharpie is really hard to get off... any tips? All well.. i kind of like it there. I confess to wishing it would never come off.

There are two things in my purse I cannot live without... and here's the shocker; it's not makeup.. cell phone.. car keys.. palm pilot... nopers. They are two things that make me feel good no matter what is going on. Two things that just make me happy.. And they aren't drugs or sex toys either.

So it's agreed. I looked cute today.

Anyway.. let's talk about my thoughts. Have you ever felt like you've lifted a twenty pound weight off your chest? not literally.. although for the purposes of my simile i suppose they'd feel the same... but yeah. it's really good. ya know what else is good? being alone and not feeling lonely. my shoulders are really soft.

Ya know what i've noticed.. unless you've debated me (and on a good day) you'll never NeVer NEVER know that i'm intellegent. I act dumb. I dress dumb.. heh i prolly am dumb. But that's okay. I have a small amount of insight that satisfies my urges so it's good. And two people who I greatly admire and who i trust greatly believe I'm intellegent.. so that's some good influence.

Ya know what, Nikki and Jason? I don't understand cutting either.

Hmm.. I should hang out with devon. and elliot. and jeff. and affan... people i've missed missed missed.

Freedom really isn't just another word for nothing left to lose... it's nothing holding you back. I am free to do what I want, any old time... hahaha i wonder how many more songs i can quote. You know what's gonna suck? State district VBI and TMS for two years. Meh. I'm sure I'll be able to handle it.

okay. so maybe that last post was just a tidbit too bitchy. all well... i guess we're both entitled to our bitchiness.

to my friends or "friends" whatever you may be; if you think i am a backstabber or a liar do yourself and me a favor and tell me. if you'd prefer not to surround yourself with me i'd prefer not to surround myself with you.

you know how some people just know how to touch you to make it all okay? yah. i need more of that... understanding. that's what it is. understanding. i'm getting more of that.

:-D I've got "you are worth it" in silver sharpie across my arm. I wrote it cuz I was bored and it just stayed... I forgot that it was sharpie. I am worth it. I am.

And Zack, I'm glad you're going to find someone better... I told you. We both deserve better.. well maybe not better but definitely different. different is a must for us.

I'm done fighting now. I'm happy and that's all I wanna be. If he's ever done maybe we can go back to a friendship of sorts.. if he's not.. then w/e. It's his choice.

You know what makes me happy? The absence of the little red signs next to half my buddy list. i hate having people blocked.

I think I look cute today. Let's see who else agrees.

okay so fuck that part about civillity. i don't need to be civil i need to be honest.

ANYTHING I EVER DID TO ANNOY YOU OR HURT YOU IN OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE YOU GO AWAY

thank you for listening to this public service announcement. You are now free to move on with your life.

hmm... i'm about to go to sleep alone. i just made ammends to people i've missed very much... and i wrote him a civil letter in response to a civil letter.

i feel very accomplished and very happy. things feel right... different.. but right.

:) i get to hang out with brendan tomorrow. that'll be fun.

i don't like that i hurt him.. but i like that i'm not hurting anymore. My responsibility is first and foremost to myself and my own happiness as selfish as that makes me feel.

change is both good and necessary...

it's not so bad...
you're just the best i ever had.

and i'm just the best you ever had too... good luck to you in the future.. i know you'll have a lovely life.

it was a choice that had to be made eventually. i'm not so sure if this journal will be here tomorrow. don't worry. i'll back it up.

i'm suffocating. i need touched. i just... ugh. it's hard. it's been too long.. it took so little time to become dependant and now i just can't function without it. it's reassuring... and it's been much much too long...

I am trying to pinpoint exactly what I am neutral about. You see... Mr. Polise has been giving me this "assignments." In all reality, they're perfectly optional... okay. maybe this needs further explanation.

Mr. Polise is my Lit Arts advisor... and a really cool guy. He's one of those people that can just look at you, the way you sit, the way you shift your eyes and know your whole life story. It was unnerving at first... but now it's refreshing. So... I basically broke down to him, told him everything... and he was just so...calm... No "How could you do that to yourself?!" or "We need to get you help!".. Just... "Would you like to try to learn a better way? It's perfectly fine if you're not ready.. but if you are... I'd love to help you." I explained to him that I was trying to fix it.. it's just hard sometimes. There's a lot of pressure and I'm not sure as to how to relieve it. And we just talked. for hours. and I cried.. and he let me. And before I left, he gave me an assignment. Write a poem about being rescued. And I did... And the next day, rather than going to VQ I went to his room again.

His room, by the way, is one of those good places. It's like being in Zack's arms but different, because it's not quite so good. But it's just a safe place where i know I can be myself and I'm safe and everything's okay.

Anyway, I let him read my other poem.. and he explained to me that he wasn't going to criticize my poetry. He would read it... but he wouldn't criticize it. I wasn't ready for something so intimate to be criticized, which is more or less true. He assigned me something new; write a time when you were happy. And I did... (both of these poems are in my journal by the way.)

And so I dropped by again for a little while... and he explained to me exactly what was going on.

"Look.. you've tried to tie your shoe, right? Okay... well have you ever tried to tie both your shoes at the same time? Yeah. It doesn't work. You tip over. So what I'm trying to do is keep you steady while you're tying your shoes. It's all about finding yourself, Casey. You can't do it on your own; you'd fall over and go Rousseau on us and end up questioning whether or not you exist and dying from syphillis. Instead.. I'm here to keep you steady as long as you need me to lean on."

And then he assigned me two assignments for the three day weekend; 1. write something you're neutral about. 2. Write something that both feels good and hurts.

So... what am I neutral about... I have no idea. I'm just..passionate... Mr. Polise said another nice thing today when i talked about dying my hair.

"Okay.. this is norse mythology. They say that redheads have red hair because they have a fire of passion burning within themselves. Most people have this, however, this fire is so bright, it leads others as well."

So.. it's been a few days. things are different. but good.

one thing that never changes? I love zachary vance martin.

There are things in life
You crave, but do not know
And this is the proof
Of predestination
There are things you need
That you've never felt before
And once you've known them
You've found home
There are words that complete your soul
A touch that restores the damaged
An embrace overshadowing all the world
There is a happiness so great
It almost pains
To know this moment's feelings
Are not eternal
The warmth of fingers on my face
The heat of tears against my cheek
The burning honesty of those words;
You are worth it.
'Til now it was those things I never knew
And now that I've met them
I've seen my destiny
It was those things making up my desires
And now that I've quenched them
I've found home
It is the bittersweet melancholy
Not so much the actions
As the feelings
It is the knowledge
That all is well
Because someone
Lord, someone
Believes I'm worth it

A sea at war with itself
Myself, an innocent watcher
So cruelly engulfed
So violently pulled
Into the watery trenches
Buried alive beneath the tides
Clawing at water
Desperate for air
And the war rages on around me
Fighting against
What is stronger than myself,
The pressure
Threatens to crush me
My vision
Begins to fade
My last bit of breath escapes me
And I am grasped at the shoulders;
Dragged into a foreign land
Where gravity rules more harshly
And something, someone pounds against me
Until I am forced to breathe
Hands, honest and warm
Heal me
And with every touch,
Out of my mind
Slips further
The war

My Brain is so blasted
Trying to think of something fantastic
Fanatic, dramatic
I know I'm pathetic

The world has it's standards
To fit in you would have to become like
Some cool famous figure
But I'm no one special

I know I'm pathetic
But why does it matter?

I can't take this pressure anymore
Why be in a place that doesn't care about me
Sorry if I don't seem as nice as before
I'm climbing back to the edge of my insanity

I say what I want to say
I wear what I feel like each day
I try to be up to date
But if I'm not then that's just me

Estranged and patheitc
But why does it matter?

I stand beside myself so insecure
Might be seclusion tightly wrapped inside me
Sorry if I don't cry as loud as before
There's no way back from the edge of my insanity



mmm... vy finds the coolest music. i can use fuck in one sentence more times than you. just watch me... nah.. i don't really feel like cursing right now. i feel like sleep. i miss too much school. i should stop that. but i'm sick. what am i supposed to do? meow. that's all i have to say to today, last night, last weekend, last week, the last year, the last lifetime. Meow. it's all so simple. if you can't outwit them with your intellect, baffle them with your idiocy. hmmm what happened a year ago today?

Thursday, May 08, 2003

It's not happy, but it's honest. A nice change of pace.

---

Visionaries lie to themselves. Liars only lie to other people.


We're visionaries, you and I. Keep telling yourself you can quit. Necessity creates invention. "Some things hurt, and some things KILL YOU!"- A quote from undoubtedly my favorite sophomore. This hurts, but it can't kill me. You don't control death, or your afterlife. This is control, to die would be the loss thereof... but you, you are different. Why waste something as sweet as life? Count your blessings, please. Note all that you have to live for. Some things hurt, and some things kill you. Dont let the things that hurt kill you. Fire wipes away a trace of anything there ever was... such a complete way to become nonexistant. But it can't wipe away the memories without devouring those who hold them. What devours me devours you. You jump, I jump. I hate to use this cheap, inherently weak way of bargaining... how very pretentious of me to assume I'm something worth living for... but it's the only thing I know. He who thinks he knows everything has the most to learn. I started out the year with so very much to learn... but hume's right. acknowledge your ignorance, embrace it. realize you own weaknesses and defeat them. don't let them defeat you.


11:01 PM


wow... how our roles have changed. i think it's strange and sort of lovely in a way how we adapt roles for eachother.

I hate my cat.

I think I'm the kind of person that would lie in their suicide note.. No, I do not plan to have one... but recent events have made me think of such subjects.

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:
1. Nicole... sooo funny.
2. Zack... he just makes me happy....
3. Mr. Polise. He's just so strange.

THREE THINGS I LOVE:
1. being with him.
2. cool breezes on warmish days
3. philosophy

THREE THINGS I DISLIKE:
1. alcohol and drugs
2. knowing that i think i'm prettier than i am but not being able to do a thing about it
3. knowing that i think i'm smarter than i am but not being able to do a thing about it

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
1. policy
2. myself
3. the categorical imperative



THREE THINGS ON MY BEDROOM TABLE:
1. computer
2. insane numbers of scripts
3. pictures of us

THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
1. worrying
2. trying to figure my way out of this little bit of subconcious hell
3. listening to the baby cry... and being told to let it be

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. Take first place in DI
2. Prove to him that i love him
3. write something truly beautiful

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
1. spout out philosophy aimlessly
2. never have a 3-0 decision against me
3. debate philosophy (but not aimlessly)

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
1. more sensitive than you think
2. more honest than you think
3. more passionate than you think

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY LOOKS:
1. pale.
2. "she looks like a fairy!"
3. "haha. it makes you look different. that's what you tell ugly people."

THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:

1. prove it to him
2. whistle
3. control my subconcious

THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
1. mashed potatoes 2. cheese cake
3. chicken con brocolli

THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
1. telepathy
2. alg 2 trip
3. how to make people happy

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
1. apple juice
2. orange juice.
3. anything (yes anything) containing caffeine. generally starbucks

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED AS A KID:
1. sesame street
2. pokemon
3. cnn with my great grandpa.... it's his fault i'm a debater.


woah. i'm a debater. when did this happen? i remember how freshman year i was an established IEer, and second chair to nikki's congress skills... but now... i truly excel in debate.. and extemp. wtf. weird.

maybe it will go away if i just keep writing

i forget how much i love to write sometimes... so i leave my journals alone for ages.. and come back with a catharsis. no such luck this time.. just aimless rambling.
bet you wish i would have told you that at the beginning of the post, eh?

...okay.. what a fucking weird tournament.

7th place extemp. This is the third fucking time in a row and to be frank i'm getting sick of it. grrrrrrr.....

3rd place VLD... i can't even comprehend my semis round anymore i've dissected it so many times in my head trying to figure out who should have won. Good job Kirsten... the judges picked you. :-D

how the fuck did i get that far in ld?! Better yet how the FUCK did I beat Jobin and Anil... what the fucking hell counties is so fucking weird.

Okay. end use of word fuck here.


I love my boyfriend. he came all three days of counties to be with me and i love him much. yup i do.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to the First Level of Hell - Limbo!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Two perfectly wonderful things happened today, Feb. 23. 1) the dearest sammi was born. 2) I met the boy I'm in love with.

Isn't it lovely? yes... i thought so too. So today hasn't gone exactly as planned.. no cooking for eachother... his present isn't quite done... but nevertheless.. it's today. so none of that really matters. i can't believe how much has changed and how much is still the same. if i remember correctly one year ago today nikki broke up with sam. one year ago today jason's party was becoming big news. one year ago yesterday zack told me that he loved me... one year ago tomorrow i told zack that i loved him. a lifetime ago we were destined for eachother. this is the stuff that life is made of. this is why people wake up in the morning; to feel like i do every waking second. i am the luckiest person ever. thank you so much.

It's not that i wasn't going to tell you. I just wasn't going to tell you all at once.

People I wanna hang out with more: Zack, Nikki, Amanda L., Devon, Jeff

It's good to have a car. Especially when your father isn't home to tell you not to drive it. You know what's lovely? Rain. You know what I'm scared of? Driving in the freeway while it's raining... Please please please let it get dry outside quickly...

I feel like saying something beautiful... but I think I waste far too much beauty on this journal. I'm gonna go make something beautiful... that I can give to you on Feb. 23, the most beautiful day of the year...

I love you.

ELAINE BLISS SLONIGER
Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine Elaine

I miss you. The world would feel so much better if you'd call me and tell me you love me.

Okay... so i woke up this morning and was about to pull on some pants when i saw scars on my leg. old ones. from long ago. i was so surprised to see them. I was like "uh.. that doesn't belong there." and then i realized how i got them and felt this mixture of pride and great remorse. Remorse for ever doing that, pride because I stopped. I just can't believe i did that. just wow.

I am so glad you're home baby. you have no idea how much i've missed you. and i'm *so* happy that i get to see you today. it makes up for the yucky weekend. mwah.

Ya know what? I feel like that kid in the movies who stands up for the sad little kid everyone makes fun of. Except, instead of the sad kid giving me a grateful smile, she kicks me in the balls. If i had balls, i mean.

What do I have to do to help someone these days? Apparently I'm disposable. Actually, no, I'm desposable (sic). Okay, look. Everyone makes fun of you. Everyone. I'm the one who's like "That's not right. Shut the fuck up." And you're going to call me "desposable" and yourself an eagle? Cute. Yah that's somewhere up there with the fact that you think you're going to a good college because you go to TMS. Or that you think you got into TMS because you're a semi-intelligent person and not because your parents donated a wing. I got into the meadows because i worked my ass off and pulled a 3.9 GPA, ranked 25th in my class, and got an average of 98th percentile on every standardized test i've ever taken. What have you done to deserve your seat? Had mommy and daddy drop a couple hundred thousand to build a wing. That's pretty fucking sad. You say you don't feel like you belong at TMS and it's because you DON'T belong at TMS! You don't deserve it! So you know what, Becca? Fuck you. I don't deserve the way you treat me. You can't say I'm not a good friend because all those times he made you feel like shit because you didn't think he liked you? Yah. That wasn't an accident. If he's your best friend it's a compliment to not be your friend. And you can call me a psycopath but I'm not the one chasing this boy I know I'm not gonna get and it's not because of his religious views either. I am the last sane and decent person around you. You like living in that bubble of lies, don't you? No one will tell you they don't like you because you enjoy that bubble of safety. Well welcome to the fucking real world. I actually liked you. I thought of you as something of a friend. And THAT is why I felt obligated to inform you of the fact that he does not in fact like you and further that is why I refused to stand by and watched you be hurt. You made a choice becca. Might I add, it was the wrong one. You chose someone who doesn't even like you over someone who does. And you're right. I'm a fucking awful liar. Good thing I wasn't lying.

Words don't even come close to explaining. I love you. I yearn to say more and yet only further entangle myself in the chains of this language. Let me say what I say, and just understand the occasional enormity of my words.

I woke up this morning with a passion to do work.

Today I have to wash my car, vacuum my car, remove random crap from the back of my car, and write my abstracts for chemisty. And I have to love you... for every single second.

sometimes.... i really wonder why he puts up with me. i wouldn't put up with myself the way i act towards him. i can barely tollerate myself as it is. ya know what? i really have no idea why i said that. i mean... i can't figure out what led me to that conclusion. i feel bad... because i couldn't apologize sooner.. but to be perfectly honest... i was crying so hard i couldn't see the buttons on the phone enough to dial. i couldn't stop crying long enough to talk... i just couldn't function....

i don't deserve him.

yeah... sometimes things happen between us that don't make me happy. berkeley is high on the list amongst them... but ya know what? i would have been more upset if he didn't go... lose-lose situation i guess. i'm really sorry for that. i just can't be happy when i'm selfish or when i'm sacrificing. i'll work on that.

i am so lucky to have him.

i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i don't know what to say exactly... i'm just so sad that he's gone. i don't really expect him to understand because he doesn't know what loneliness is to me but i'm just that. lonely. i hate being lonely. i can't take it. i hate having to wonder why he's been gone for 2 hours. it's selfish. i dislike that i do that... but i just care so much about him. which is why i wonder if i can handle him at this exact point in my life.. he has to be gone a lot.... and i don't like to be alone... i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend. i miss my boyfriend.

When I'm thinking of a landscape, I'm thinking of a time.

...when i'm thinking of hayward.. i'm thinking of my future. God.. this poem is just so beautiful it kills me.

A red plant in a cemetary of plastic wreaths.

In that one line there is so much meaning. She gives the idea of something alive and growing in the land of something dead. The plastic wreaths could symbolize dead bodies. They are false and there for no purpose except to look like something that is alive. The red plant either symbolizes pain or passion, and it is my assumption that with the tone of this poem it symbolizes pain. Her pain is growing where dead things lie.

Stop feeling sorry. I'm not even joking. Berk is something neither of us can change, and it may seem bad but stop creating more negative feelings around the whoel thing. I forgave you a long time ago. It's your dream. Go do it. i don't want you to be unhappy the whole time you're in the place of your dreams. just go. and be happy. that's all i wanted for valentine's day. your happiness. are you going to deny me that?

It's not bad stuff happening that scares me. It's that feeling of intensified fear that doesn't stop because you know something bad is about to happen.

But it all seems so good. Strange, isn't it?

I really am kinda pretty when I stop thinking about making myself pretty. It's weird. By the end of the day, when I'm tired as hell... that's when I seem the prettiest, in my opinion.

I made a valentine for no one... for extra credit in english class. maybe i'll give it to zack.. hmm who knows.. maybe she won't even give it back. but regardless, it's very pretty. So i'll have my license by at the latest next thursday. at the earliest, next tuesday.I am NOT going to fail my driver's test. I'm not i'm not i'm not....

I wanna make people happy more often. I just wish I knew how.

:-\ not going to first again. my grades are gonna suffer soon.

A last attempt: the language is a dialect called metaphor.
These images go unglossed: hair, glacier, flashlight.
When I think of a landscape I am thinking of a time.
When I talk of taking a trip I mean forever.
I could say: those mountains have a meaning
but further than that I could not say.

unglossed: not covered up with artificiality.

So she's seeing things as they are. She's a writer, and as a writer it was her way to see everything in some wildly romantic view. And yet, she's seeing everyday objects as they are. She's given up on making things more beautiful then they are, and settling for what's average... she's done calling things what they're not. "When I think of a landscape I'm thinking of a time." She has connections to everywhere she is with some idea of the past. Everything is drenched with meaning in her life. Which ties directly to the next few lines where she talks about going on vacation and never coming home, and how the mountains (something close to her) have meaning, but further than that, there is no meaning. She wants to go somewhere where everything isn't so weighted with the connotation of the past. And she wants to stay there. She thinks this is a way to get away from her own feelings.

Okay... so for just a little while, this journal is going to be dedicated to me analyzing my poem. Not like my life is that fascinating anyway. ;)

There's a line that always stands out in my mind: "A last attempt: this language is a dialect called metaphor" It seems to me like she's trying to say something, the way a person drowning underwater desperately gasps for air, she desperately grasps at words and tries to make people understand. But they can't. They, as she says, "gave me a drug that slowed the healing of wounds." They fed her something that only postponed the pain til longer away, and all that can heal her is time. She names 3 things she wants someone to see before she leaves, 1)"The experience of repitition as death 2) The failure of criticism to locate the pain and 3) The poster in the bus that said: my bleeding is under control. On 1, she was an english teacher, and is apparently clinging to the forms of figurative language to understand her pain. The "repitition" is probably caused by the drugs they gave her. She forgets for a little while, but then is dragged back through the loneliness of it all when they wear off. And everytime that happens she dies a little more inside. On 2, she has turned to bitterness to try to understand why she hurts. Probably constantly tearing herself up over why he was driven to do this. She wanted to pinpoint the pain, so she tried to reevaluate and reevaluate herself in different lights and tearing herself down to pieces. She wanted to understand what was so utterly unsufferable about herself. On 3, this is probably a reference to her husbands suicide. His bleeding was under control when he died. Her entire life is "swirling" or confusing, but his life, or lack thereof, is calm. His lips are frozen.

A Valediction Forbidding Mourning
Adrienne Rich


My swirling wants. Your frozen lips.
The grammar turned and attacked me.
Themes, written under duress.
Emptiness of the notations.



They gave me a drug that slowed the healing of wounds.



I want you to see this before I leave:
the experience of repetition as death
the failure of criticism to locate the pain
the poster in the bus that said:
my bleeding is under control



A red plant in a cemetary of plastic wreaths.



A last attempt: the language is a dialect called metaphor.
These images go unglossed: hair, glacier, flashlight.
When I think of a landscape I am thinking of a time.
When I talk of taking a trip I mean forever.
I could say: those mountains have a meaning
but further than that I could not say.



To do something very common, in my own way.




If you're anything like me you didn't read that poem. go back. read it. dissect it.

I've found something to do, at least for a short while... I am going to write a beautiful essay. Absolutely flawlessly amazing... and it's going to be about that poem which I'm not quite sure I understand yet, but i will. i will. i definitely will. driven, to say the least.

substancesubstancesubstance
It's all about substance!
Remember that!

i need something with some substance to cling to in my lonelier hours. soon i'll have him all the time.. but until then I need a healthy distraction.

HEALTHY!

distractiondistractiondistraction... SHOPPING! YES! haha. that should tide me over. I need my car first. probably tomorrow. hopefully tomorrow. please tomorrow.

People I need to get valentine's gifts for:
Amanda
Zack (he's actually done but w/e.)
Emily
Bryn

People I need to get february day gift's for:
Hilary
Nikki
Bryn

And maybe you too if you do something that makes me particularly happy. Make me happy. Please?

I'm an emotional whore... "Make me happy and I'll give you presents!" God I feel like Michael Jackson must... only less feminine.

sometimes i wonder if i have any good friends outside of him and within this state... and then once i figure out the answer is no i wonder what to do with myself for the hours between when i talk to him... and i realize that i have nothing. outside of him there is nothing of any substance in my life... and not in a "nothing compares" sort of way. in a "complete and total emptiness" sort of way. i don't have anyone to talk to. i don't have anything to do. i don't think he understands why i've been so codependent lately. i don't really, either. i hate being alone with an intense passion. i hate having nothing to do. i hate hate hate hate hate it when he's not home.... i hate being this selfish. he thinks i'm joking when i say i need more friends but i'm perfectly and completely serious. Why isn't there anyone on this earth outside of him and younger than 30 who i can have a decent conversation with? Am I missing a gene or something? Is there a reason why parts of me are utterly repugnant to being accepted? I am so sick of being lonely. I know there have been times in my life when I have been completely independent. There have been times in my life when I've always had someone to talk to. And I've managed to ruin both of those events. I have love, which is everything... but it's not always there. I need hayward more than you can possibly know and it looks so far away from here. I feel like I am innertly unacceptable to the world around me. I think people talk about me behind my back. I am not used to not being accepted, and accepted now I am not.

I miss my boyfriend so much. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I'm sad when he's not here. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I'm lonely. :( I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I want him to come home. I feel selfish for needing him so much. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. Why isn't he home yet? I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I want him home. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I hate when he's gone. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I love him so much. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my boyfriend.

I really really do.

Okay. So I finished up my interview at the meadows a few moments ago. Lol they asked me what animal I would be if I could, I said owl. And then we discussed my flagrant liberalism :) wheee. I had to write an essay, I did it on my teacher Mrs. Vernon. I thought it was rather good. I'll have a response in about a week.

My car is now fixed, and registered. I get a blinker and I'm ready to take my driver's test. I feel prepared for the test now. I think I'll pass it.

I've skipped two days in a row of school. Haven't done this since the last time I gave in to strep. Oh and there will be consequences. :-\.

I miss my boyfriend. I wanted to talk to him last night but couldn't. I went to bed alone :(. I know it's selfish of my to ask for his time like I do... I just want to feel wanted, ya know? I guess it's stupid. I should apologize.

w/e. make lemonaid out of lemons or some such proverbial shit. i'm staying home today.

Have you ever just felt detached? From everything? I feel like everything I've ever known and loved is slowly drifting away from me. Elaine, my best friend, said that she feels like we're losing touch. I hate that! It drives me crazy... I guess up to now I've just felt like I was enjoying silence with my friends. He and I don't really have anything to talk about in days of late. It's not uncomfortable... I just don't have anything to say... In forensics I feel increasingly detacched every day. I do my best to do my best but my best work just isn't coming out anymore. I honestly have no idea what i spend all my time doing. It's strange. I'm tired constantly now. My stomache hurts a lot. I'm sure it's just a normal depression, but I can fight it. I have to fight it. I am so sick of being sad all the time. I can't help but feel sad... i'm isolating myself or something is isolating me. i just don't know what to say anymore.

I love you... it's all gonna be okay.-

I love you. We're beautiful, you and I. I'm never exactly sure what I'm going to say at any given moment, I suppose that is one of the joys of honesty. Honesty is just that... joyous. And oh so much easier.

I seem to have developed a chronic stomache ache. Fear not, it's not for previously defined reasons but mostly out of anxiety from the situations within my family. I don't think it would be possible for me to truly hate a member of my family. I find it difficult to wish bad things upon them. Most seem to have a problem returning the favor of caring.

I don't like being blamed for things I already blame myself for... strange, isn't it?

Good lord I love you. And that's all that matters. i dream in yellow and blue.

Okay. It's bitching time.

First of all, some people don't deserve to go to state. They just don't. No matter how much I like them, they're BAD. This is not "A for effort" territory here. I don't get along with the other option, but they're GOOD. It's a lot like me and nikki last year. Yeah. After a while we got big headed, maybe more so than necessary but we were good regardless. You can't say they deserve the seat because they "work really hard" or "come to every tournament" because yah. If you can't speak without tripping over your own words and you couldn't act your way out of a paper bag you aren't doing the team any good. And you're really just making yourself look like an idiot.

Second of all, if one more person fucking ignores me without telling me why i'm going to go CrAzY. Yeah. if you think i'm talking about you I probably am. I have no problem with being disliked but at least be fucking open about it. I don't need your shit.

I hope those complaints are noted. Back to your normal schedules, everyone.

Mortallity scares the hell out of me.
Almost as much as immortallity.

The extemp bin is beautiful... lol it took me an hour to get through 3 articles because i double file them so much. I have a feeling that this is going to be taking up most of my time in the next few weeks. The problem? I'm going to have to spend that time in Mrs. Berselli's room. I figure ~half an hour of work in class, ~half an hour of work at lunch, ~2 hours of work after school. At that rate I should get through 1/2 a magazine or so everyday. There's probably 40 magazines in the bin. It would take me eighty days. I have almost sixty. That's where the problems start. Soooo a couple days I'm gonna have to run a 1 pm-6 pm with Mrs. B to get this done. So wow... Berselli says I prolly have a districts seat in DI. Take that bitches. Killing little children really does get you somewhere.

I really want to go to nationals.

I've been dissecting this, and here's how I see it;

DI: Okay so I'm not going to Nationals in DI. This year is a much better interp year than last year. I've got time. It's okay.

Extemp: Now here, I might have something resembling a chance. I'll be doing foreign extemp. Hamilton, Jackie, Max, Jobin are all doing domestic. I have to study my ass off, but it looks like I could do well.

LD: If something really weird happens here (which sometimes does happen) I might have a shot. Okay, the obvious choices for nats are Hamilton Stevens Jobin. At least, any combination thereof. But, the thing is, weird and crazy things happen at districts. We won't discuss last year in Duo or LD or w/e.. but just know weird shit happened. And there will be many novices there who don't know what they're doing or JV kids I've already beaten, etc. sooo when you look at it from that angle, there's a good chance I'll be hitting kids that won't challenge me all that much... unless i get unlucky and hit the varsity kids (which of course I will) I could make it as far as quarters without much problem. As long as I'm not last seed hitting first seed in quarters, I should be fine. Then of course, I'd be screwed at semis unless hamilton stevens and jobin drop... but w/e. I can dream

NOTE TO READER: All of the above is completely false. There is no way in hell I'll be going to nats in LD. Those are just dellusions of a wishing debater.

this is my way to live

What about yours?

made by rav-chan

Soooo... I broke in Varsity LD. The first time ever at a legit tourney... but not on what I'd call a legit ballot. I'd like to formally apologize to sam cutter. I *really* lost that round. I mean, I dropped some very important arguments... but of course we had a daddy judge, so he either voted on the way my ass looks in my suit or the 2ar which was good, barring the rest of the debate. I love having the 2ar. I beat Kirsten (Max Steven's Girlfriend) as well, presumptuously lost to James Jobin (who Zack picked up against, by the way) and then threw my quarter finals round against Ryan Hamilton because I was so insanely sick I could debate no longer. Not that he wouldn't have beaten me anyway. So I hate running tournaments but I love going on walks.

Looks like I'm going to state in LD and Extemp... maybe foreign. Hamilton, Stevens, and Jobin are all in domestic. I need to start studying and organizing the extemp bin. Major. I lost my DI seat, which I knew was happening and there is no chance of recovery. No districts in DI for casey... which is depressing, to say the least. But it's alright. She'll throw me in another event and I'll do my best.

I won't be going to counties but I will be doing something much better. I'll also be going to stanford. I need to find out how much that's going to cost and then find a way to make that much money. lol. And then I need to fix my aff case... not that their was anything *wrong* with it.... but sam likes to debate policy in an ld round so whatever. I'll give them an "alternative to cutting down the trees" hmm i don't know- RECYCLING WHAT WE'VE ALREADY USED?! Planting a tree for every tree we cut down? It all comes down to trying to undo the harm you do at the same time, rather than later on. Mmhmmyup.

So James Jobin was running Max Steven's case. That was pretty fucking weird. I think Zack and I were in the seventh and eighth seed in quarters. I got seventh place in both DI and Extemp and it's killing me... I really need to look more confident up there in extemp. I know how I'll do it too. RESEARCH (for once). I've never actually used evidence from the extemp bin... buuut... i will soon. mmhmm. :-D And I'm gonna cite authors and whatnot. That's gonna be hard to remember... all those names and magazines. All well though. Maybe I'll break at state. That'd be pretty cool. I want to go to nationals... but my last hope just died out. Pout.

Art is Hard- Cursive

cut it out
your self-inflicted pain is getting too routine
the crowds are catching on
to the self-inflicted song
well here we go again:
the art of acting weak
fall in love to fail to boost your cd sales
and that cd sells
yeah what a hit
you've got to repeat it
you gotta sink to swim

first you don't, you don't succeed
you gotta recreate your misery
we all know art is hard
young artists have gotta starve
try and fail and try again
the comforts of repetition
keep churning out those hits
'til it's all the same old shit

oh, a second verse
well, color me fatigued
i'm hiding in the leaves in the cd jacket sleeves
tired of entertaining some double-dipped meaning
a soft-serve analogy
those drunken, angry slurs
in 31 flavors

gotta sink, gotta sink, gotta sink to swim
immerse yourself in rejection
regurgitate some sorry tale
about a boy who sells his love affairs
You gotta fake fake fake the pain
You better make make make it sting
you're gonna break break break a leg when you get on stage
and they scream your name:
oh cursive is so cool!

You gotta sink gotta sink gotta sink to swim
impersonate greater persons
cuz we all know art is hard
when we don't know who we are


Good lord there was something wrong with me. Never ever again. That song makes me sick.

I am so sorry. I love you... thank you for helping me become who I am now.

How strange... I've never been happier to be sick. I'm glad you're happy... I'm not exactly positive what I said... but that's okay. There's nothing bad I could possibly say. I love you.... so much. you have no idea. well maybe you do now.. but words cannot explain.... so i'll stop trying :) just know that if it's possible for every electron neutron and proton of me to feel.. all they feel is love... all i feel is love.

A diary of hayward... Happy thoughts. It's all a part of us. It's all our future. Smile... we'll get there someday

x ] Spell your first name backwards - yesac

[ x ] The story behind your user name – voticlaresco: a solemn promise to be clear minded

[ x ] Where do you live - NV

[ x ] Four words that sum you up - over achiever, in love, active, happy

[ x ] Wallet - try purse

[ x ] Hairbrush - i should hope so. gross if i didn't have one

[ x ] Toothbrush - :) it's red

[ x ] Pillow cover - silkysilkysilky


[ x ] Blanket - light blue/dark blue

[ x ] Coffee cup - comes with a starbucks chick on it.

[ x ] Sunglasses - in the process of shopping for about 10,000 pairs

[ x ] Underwear - more pairs than you can count

[ x ] Shoes - once again... more pairs than you can count. probably about 50 if i count them all. lol

[ x ] Favorite Shirt - ...uh... my yellow polo shirt. :)

[ x ] Cologne/Perfume - Lilu

[ x ] CD in stereo right now - i lean towards MP3

[ x ] Tattoos - ew no

[ x ] Piercings - 4

[ x ] What you are wearing now -pjs

[ x ] Hair - straightened (yay new straightener!!!)

[ x ] In my mouth - straw. starbucks. yummmm


[ x ] In my head - thoughts of you

[ x ] After this - call albertsons and make them give me money for 4n6 lol


[ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason - ...george w... nuff said

[ x ] Person(s) you wish you could see right now - sammi and zack

[ x ] Is next to you - i'm alone

[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month - walks at bonanza

[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of - losing him

[ x ] Do you like candles - no. fire. creepy. ew.

[ x ] Do you like hot wax - no.

[ x ] Do you like incense - no.

[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood - no.

[ x ] Do you believe in love - more than i believe in anything

[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates - soul mate. singular.

[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight - no.

[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven - no.

[ x ] Do you believe in forgiveness - yes

[ x ] Do you believe in God - no

[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - burial.

[ x ] Who is your worst enemy - george w.

[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - a bunny.. named bonnie

[ x ] What is the latest you've ever stayed up- the weekend long stay up fests w/ jason prepping for tourneys.

[ x ] Ever been to Belgium - no

[ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks - yes

[ x ] What's your favorite coin- ...favorite coin? fucking retard.

[ x ] What are 5 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to - hayward. hayward. hayward. hayward. hayward.

[ x ] What are some of your favorite pig out foods - chocolate

[ x ] What's something that you wish people would understand - why it's none of their business

[ x ] What's something you wish you could understand better - why it's none of my business

[ x ] Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time - sammi and zack

SIMPLE QUESTIONS:


1. Full name: Casey Kathleen Howard

2. Nicknames: "the bitch" "that girl" "her" "she"

3. Eyes: 2

4. Height: 5'6

5. Hair: rojo o oneranjado

6. Siblings: whores

7. Do u like to sing in the shower sometimes: sure

8. Do u like to sing in the toilet: wtf?

9. Birthday: 121487

10. Sign: STOP

11. Address: FUCKING STALKER

12. Sex: not w/ you, stalker

13. Right or left-handed: right.

14. What do you want most in a relationship: zachary vance martin

15. Ever been in love: only once.

16. Marital status: serious relationship

17. Do you have a car: yes. now ask if i have a license.

18. What kinda car do you want: lexus. red. sexy like a bitch.

FAVORITE QUESTIONS: (i actually wanted to change that to a semi-colon. woah.)

19. Movie: American Beauty

20. Song: Iris

21. Band/ singer: Goo Goo Dolls

22. TV Show: ..cnn?

23. Favourite actor: HAHAH NOT A BRIT YOU EFFIN BRITISH STALKER FREAK

24. Actress: ..uh.. angelina jolie. (good recovery, eh?)

25. Food: small children

26. Cartoon: family guy. bitch.

27. Number: AAAAHHH OMFG! In this case it would have to be 27!!! ::points at question number::

28. Disney Character: nemo.

29. Colour: ITS NOT BRITISH YOU FUCKING BRITISH STALKER err.. i mean.. red.

LOVE LIFE ETC: (god damn my anal retentive compulsions about the english language)

30. Do you plan on having children: child. singular. one.

31. Do you want to get married: more than anything

33. How old do you wanna be when your married: end of frosh year in college... that would make me 19.

34. Would you have kids before marriage: no.

36. Do you have a b/f or g/f (who): zack. :)

37. Do you have a crush: only on him.

EITHER-OR (PICK WHICH ONE YOU PREFER)

38. Music/TV: music

39. What happened to 39: this is 39...?

40. Green/Blue: blue

41. Pink/Purple: pink

42. Summer/Winter: i'll take option C [jason ;)] and say fall.

43. Night/Day: night.. cuz that's when i get to talk to him.

45. Dopey/Funny: funny

46. Stupid saying: this isn't an either-or.

47. What school did you go to?: WTF IS GOING ON?!

48. Have you ever taken drugs: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH IT'S LOST ITS FORMAT

FRIENDS:

Most Blonde: lauren

Best Person: zack

Nicest: sammi

Funniest: jason

Strangest: is it strange if you're your own friend? i guess either way that makes it me.

Most Caring: zack

Tallest: lauren

Smartest: annie

Best Personality: zack

Best all round person: zack

52. Which 5 people do you trust and are open with the most?: sammi, zack, nikki, lauren, ...... .... .... ... i give up.

53. What do you think of soul mates: i think i only have one and i'll only ever have one and i think i'm just gonna have to keep him forever

54. Is it right to flirt if you have a bf/gf: no.

55. What was the last thing you cried over or got teary about: the after affects of bad things

57. Are you happy: now? yes.

58. Why: because he just called me

59. What's an object you can't live without: darwin

60. Love or lust: love

61. Silver or gold: silver

62. Diamond or pearl: i don't like stones in my jewelry.

63. Sunset or sunrise: sunrise (new beginnings are better than endings)

64. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping: yep

65. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: yep

66. Do you have any piercing: yep

68. What song are u listening to right now: mozart's fourth

69. What are the last four digits of your phone number: I see how it is. I wouldn't tell you before so now you think you can get the last few digits and figure it out WELL NO FUCKIN LUCK BITCH

70. Where would you want to go on your honeymoon: hayward

71. Who do u want to spend the rest of your life with: zack

72. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex: the ability to make me happy

73. Another missing question: sucks

74. What makes you happy: him

75. What is the next Cd you are gonna get: ... PAY... for... MUSIC...?! |= |_| [ |< | |\| 12 3 7 4 12 |] 1'|\/| 2 1337 4 |]47

76. Do u wear contacts or glasses: nope

77. What's the best advice given to you: "a+b=c"

78. And another one: this test fuckin sucks.

79. What are your future goals: hayward.stanford.sophie.bonny.yellowcurtains.

80. Worst sickness u ever had: almost killed me.

81. Do you like Funny or Scary movies better: funny

82. On the phone or in person: in person

83. Hugs or kisses: depends on when

84. What song seems to reflect you the most: iris

85. If you died tomorrow who would you leave everything you own to: i'm not dying.

86. Do u have any enemies: no. just people who hate me.

87. What is your greatest fear: losing him.

88. Would you rather be rich or famous: rich... fame scares the fuck out of me.

89. What time is it in Albania now: albania doesn't exist.

90. Have you ever been in love: yes.

91. Have you met santa: yes.

92. If E.T. knocked on your door holding up a peace sign and asked to use your phone what would you do? kick him in the nuts and run

93. Last time you talked to the person that you like: 6:01 pm my time 7:01 pm his

94. Do u have any pets: 2. i hate them both. i want a bunny/

95. What is your e-mail address: THERE YOU GO WITH THE STALKING AGAIN

96. Last time you were depressed: last time i thought about it

97. Do you Drink: no

98. Who sent this to you: no one

99.What do you think of this person: they don't exist

100. What happened to this question: god damn it i'm so sick of you hiding the fucking questions GIVE THEM BACK YOU THIEF

A - age; 16
B - band at the moment; goo goo dolls
C - career in future; lawyer
D - dad's name; larry
E - easiest person to talk to; zack
F - favorite song at the moment; iris
G - guys and girls you've kissed; somewhere in the area of 10?
H - hometown: phoenix i guess.
I - instruments you play; piano (kinda) recorder... tamborine... uh.. xylophone... ???
J - job title; student
K - kids; kid. one. singular.
L - longest car ride ever; the way back from my first trip to Long Beach. Oh. wait that just *Felt* like the longest trip.
M - mom's name; sharial
N - number of people you've slept with; umm you mean nap time? cuz if that's what you mean i was a big slut in kindergarten.
O - oldest sibling; is a whore
P - phobia; failure
Q - quote you like; "Usually terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all but just terrible things."
R - relationship that lasted the longest; mmm zachary vance martin i am madly in love with you
S - song playing at this moment; beethoven's ninth.
T - time you wake up; 5
U - unknown fact about me; my favorite candy as a child was lemonheads.
V - vegetable you hate; cauliflower or however the fuck you spell it
W - worst habit; is being conquered.
X - x-rays you've had; none
Y - yummy food; melty cheese. :-D
Z - zodiac sign; sagitarius, motherfucker.

MARK EVERYTHING FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD IN BOLD!

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SYKE."
2. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air."
3. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
4. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own. [oh hell yes man.]
5. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
6. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom.
7. Two words: M.C. Hammer.
8. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock."
9. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
10. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales."
11. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
12. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
13. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen.
14. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
15. You made your Mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
16. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House).
17. You wore Jordache Jean jacket and you were proud of it.
18. L.A. Gear.
19. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten.
20. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books.
21. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF."
22. You wanted to be a Goonie.
23. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
24. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
25. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
26. You took Lunch Pails to school.
27. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
28. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
29. You remember Hypercolor T-shirts.
30. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
31. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up.
32. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets.
33. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes.
34. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
35. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up."
36. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
37. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
38. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
39. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's.
40. You've gone through this list occasionally saying "Totally awesome".
41. You remember Popples.
42. "Don't worry, be happy."
43. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
44. You wore socks scrunched down.
45. "Miss MARY MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK" Or, Ms. Susie had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell (toot toot) Ms. Susie went to heaven, the steamboat went to... "
46. You remember boom boxes vs. CD players.
47. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales.
50. You thought Doogie Howser was hot.
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell," the ORIGINAL class.
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi. (dude...that's not childhood...that's now)

π

I really can't explain my unending joy in the fact that i can make that symbol. It's just... awesome.

W/e makes me happy right? Right. You make me happy. Very very happy.... and so does knowing that you're gonna rock ASU's socks off cuz your neg rocks and your aff is liveable (lol jk) and you are a terrific debater whom i love very much. luckluckluck!!!

π yah that's pretty fuckin awesome. :)

i want to stop crying. really bad. i'm not even sad but it's constant.... but wow... it relieves a lot of stress. i don't like doing it all the time tho... i wanna be pure and clean happy and i'm sick of being sad so much. i am so tired of bursting into tears in the middle of class. it's too much. way too much.

promise. promise. promise. promise. promise.

i know i can be good this weekend. i'm positive. i'll probably cry a lot... and i'll miss you more than you could know... but when you come home i'll be able to look myself in the mirror and still respect myself. i have outlets now... i cry. i paint. i write. i draw. put together immaculate outfits for absolutely no reason other than i want to have something to do. unless i'm reliving the past, i don't get the urge to hurt myself. today is beautiful. tomorrow is beautiful. yesterday was beautiful... a few yesterdays ago? not so beautiful... but there's no changing that. i want you so much. i know you'll do well... i know it. you're incredible. i love you. come home and hold me? kiss me? it's gonna be okay... i promised it to darwin... it has to be okay. for sophie and bonnie and yellow curtains and hayward. it's all gonna be okay.

it always makes me feel better to talk to you while you sleep... somehow i know all is right in the world because i'm protecting you in your most vulnerable state.

A little geometry practice.

Given: Humans can always hurt humans, humans zack and casey, casey is strong, a human can't love someone who is hurting them.
Prove: Zack can love casey.
Mini-prove: Casey won't hurt Zack.

1. Humans can always hurt humans, humans zack and casey, casey is strong, humans need love, a human can't love someone who is hurting them, casey will do what is in her best interest, zack can love casey.
2. Casey is a human
3. Casey can hurt Zack
4. If casey hurts zack, zack can't love her.
5. Casey needs love.
6. Casey needs zack's love.
7. Casey can't hurt zack.
8. Casey won't hurt Zack.
9. Zack can love Casey.

1. given
2. definition of human
3. humans can always hurt humans
4. a human can't love someone who is hurting them.
5. humans need love
6. zack can love casey
7. casey will do what is in her own best interest
8. casey is strong.
9. a human can love someone who is not hurting them.

1 4|\/| 712y1|\|6 70 5p34|< 50 y0|_| <4|\| |_||\||)312574|\||)

sadly something gets lost in translation. And dorian once again looks into the portrait, seeing who he really was. Disgusting, decrepit, ugly... and to think he once was beautiful. At this moment, he wished for redemption, and at that moment there was a hint of change within the picture... perhaps a return to beauty.

I wish i didn't make you feel so bad. I'm trying not to cry. I'm sorry about today... but believe it or not i randomly burst into tears sometimes. i don't want to hide my emotions... i'm sorry i make you.

Take me away into the sunset... onward and upward to hayward. you're beautiful when you sleep.

i've given up on trying to figure it all out. i'm willing to just accept it as it comes. i have always had this compulsion to constantly be busy and i've really lost that. I think it's got something to do with us sleeping on the phone together... the fact that i can relax in front of you and you don't care.. in fact you like it. i'm not doing anything at all. just sleeping... and you listen to me all night and wake me up when i have nightmares... sometimes i wonder if you can hear me in your dreams. i talk to you very quietly when you sleep sometimes... just to say i love you and how perfect you are. i hope you know that. you should always know that. alwaysalwaysalways.

It has been way too long since i've created art. real art... not the sort of thing you do in the middle of lecture on the corner of papers. the sort of thing you spend one entire night doing nearly non-stop. my history project was started at 6:00 pm yesterday or so and was finished at 4:39 AM. isn't it lovely? it's not my best work... and it's not even original... but i feel accomplished and relaxed and happy... i love art. it was my only release for a long time... that is, until i figured out how much more effective words were. i tend to neglect one for the other. no more. i give precedence to that which keeps me sane... and as of now, that has to be multiple things. art... writing... him. more than good enough. lord... you are so perfect... and i love when you sleep. i want to keep away your nightmares forever. can i chase away the bad and bring on the good? i love you... soooo much. so much.

Answer

Sarah McLachlan

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
A place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind



May I be your answer? I know I'm usually the one who creates the questions... but I'd like to fix the problem I created. :) I kind of like that I took the toy gun away... something about the analogous meaning of stealing the weapons of destruction from the hands of those who destroy themselves... I want you to be happy. That is my new life's mission. Fuck success and immortality. I want love. I like that you smile when you see me. I smile when I think of you... You know you are the only person who ever thought I was strong enough to do whatever I wanted. It didn't matter how sick I was, you believed... You don't so much now... And I have to prove myself. And I will. I really am strong enough to overcome my own illness. I still want my journal to be happier. Hmmm maybe by the end of today. God.. you're beautiful. I wish I were listening to you sleep.

I'm at Zack's house, playing "Time to Say Goodbye", listening to him sing in the shower and the sounds of his mother, her boyfriend, and his sister get ready. I spent the night here... and I'm about to spend the day with them. I love watching them. It's like they're a real family... and they're happy... they fight... but not like my family. It's sweet. I can't wait for the future.. to be a part of a family like this... with him. I've got a beautiful future ahead of me.... a successful, loving, perfect, complete and beautiful life ahead of me. I'm so lucky to know him and to get to experience his family every now and then. I know he finds them embarrassing... but deep down, he knows they love him and he loves them. I want that in a family. Soon... soon.

My new years resolution was to be a better person.

Change

Trying so hard to feel
This agony, this pain,
This fear
Searching for emotion
Some color in this
Melancholy
Black and white
Scene
Drowning in this happiness
Create some misery
Looking in the mirror
Never seeing what
I want to see
Tear myself to pieces
Pull my insides out
Seeing who I am

Change
I want to change
I will never be the same
Change
I'm gonna change
Happiness for once
Instead of all this pain
No more tragic beauty
That only makes me hideous
Only feed my own disgust
I am going to be me
Rather than trying to be
Interesting
I'm gonna be happy
For once and forever
I'm gonna realize
How lucky
I am
To have you
How much
I need you
To live
And I'm gonna
Cling to you
Every waking moment
And dream of you
At night

Change
I'm changing
For once and forever
For the better

So it's a lot harder to dislike myself when you say you love me. In fact... I find myself not disliking myself at all. I feel kinda pretty. It's nice. Okay if you already think I'm conceited ignore the rest of this post. For the rest of you who know I'm not... read on.

I am beautiful. I do not need to indulge myself so deeply in my depression to seem beautiful. Being tragic only makes me ugly. Pensive is not an attractive state. I am a beautiful person. I don't need to change myself for other people. I am intellegent and talented and hardworking. I don't need to believe otherwise. I don't need to punish myself for doing my best because it's possible i could have done better. I do good well. None of this matters in ten years... be happy. All that matters in 10 years is that I get a 1440 on my SATs, at least a 3.6 weighted and that I still have him and Hayward. That's it. I don't need to kill myself over stupid shit that no one should care about like forensics or theatre. The rest of my friends, as much as i love them now, probably won't be in contact with me in 10 years. Don't ruin something perfect over that which is superfluous. I am a good person. When people blame me or guilt trip me, it's generally not me having done something wrong. I don't need to believe every bad word about me that come out of every person's mouth. I am not generally selfish. I am not generally bitchy. I am not generally self absorbed. I am not generally rude. I am generally a good person who goes out of my way to help people. I don't need to be exactly who they want to be. I like myself. I like who I am.

the things that are bolded are things i have in common with the person who filled this out before me ( annie). the things that aren't bolded are things i wrote about myself because the previous statement in that spot i didn't have in common with that person. get it? good. read mine and repeat the above process for yourself.

01. i cry a lot
02. i hate christmas songs
03. i like candyland
04. i've seen one of the LOtR movies... and slept through most.
05. i love my stanford hoodie
06. i've never broken a bone..knock on wood
07. i have (some) amazing friends that live quite near me
08. i compulsively brush my hair
09. i am constantly cold (in the winter)
10. i want to be a lawyer when i grow up
11. i am obssessive compulsive about brushing my teeth
12. i am a grammar/pronunciation nazi.
13. i cried today
14. i like to read fiction
15. i hate when people(especially me) don't keep their promises
16. i wonder sometimes if I've made the right decisions with my life
17. i hope I end up where I have imagined myself
18. i hate the disney channel
19. i'm addicted to emotion
20. i've never dyed my hair
21. anything with cheese is my favorite food
22. i love singing slow songs
23. i'm (extremely) bipolar
24. i am a very fast typer
25. i'm passionate about everything
26. i'm extremely lucky (moreso than i realize most of the time)
27. there is no bed more comfortable than when i'm with him
28. there are some parts of my life that need adjusting (majorly)
29. i have a lot of problems that don't matter.
30. i don't care much for animals
31. i'm online too much
32. i have rare moments of being photogenic
33. i won't take medicine usually.
34. i don't think you should do something if you aren't going to do it well.
35. i'm not religious
36. i accept religion well.
37. i like to shower at night.
38. i'm a sagitarius
39. i am good with names
40. i am good with faces
41. i don't really like to get presents, but i love to give them.
42. i'm not going to study in Siberia next year
43. i love living near cities
44. i love driving
45. i'm selfish
46. i always find myself looking up at night
47. i love to ice skate. (though i rarely do)
48. i like to color
49. i still watch cartoons
50. i've been to canada.
51. i don't have any tattoos
52. i have an eclectic taste in music
53. i think too much
54. i think mandy moore is prettybeautiful
55. i (usually) wear something black
56. i don't think that you're so cool
57. i don't like close-minded people
58. everyone thinks i wear colored contacts
59. i can be mean sometimes
60. i ask a lot of questions
61. mainly because i like to understand how peoples' minds work.
62. friends are my life
63. i overreact about things sometimes (a lot)
64. i crave attention
65. i can play a (little) piano
66. i occasionally like to be alone (but i'm afraid of it)
67. i'm getting married, eventually
68. i love penguins
69. i wake up really easily
70. my family is a bunch of nutjobs and freaks (but i love them regardless...kind of )
71. i've never been on a roadtrip with my friends.
72. i hate procrastination
73. i want a pet fish
74. i can't wait to grow up
75. i can beat noone at super mario kart
76. i liked ace of base
77. i cry a lot
78. i wish i was with him right now
79. i appreciate proper grammatical usage
80. i like to wear skirts
81. i've never done cocaine
82. i eat way too much fast food(recently)
83. i've never kicked a boy in the nuts
84. i want to live in Hayward, California
85. i don't like to have my picture taken
86. i don't like when people are late
87. or say things they don't mean
88. i hate cliche teen movies
89. i think guilt is the worst emotion ever!
90. christmas doesn't feel like christmas anymore
91. i love boy meets world
92. i trust very few people
93. i'm in a serious relationship, which i've noticed is very uncommon
94. i laugh until i cry
95. in 2004, I will be a better friend
96. i would like to be able to see all my friends whenever I wanted
97. i want a cell phone *really* bad
98. i like keyboards & writing
99. i have almost no attention span for movies
100. i think shady people should not exist